As I built a new life post-divorce and reflected on my 28-year marriage, I recognised that I’d gone into marriage with a lot of expectations – who doesn’t?! Those expectations were shaped by my parents’ relationships and what the church taught a good Christian marriage should be.

During the marriage, I learnt to step back from many of those expectations, coming to understand that expectations are a killer. They kill the moment. In seeking some illusive tomorrow expectations kill the today, the ‘what is’.

As I weathered the aftermath of divorce, I had to navigate the expectations others had of me - many of which were expressed in extremely hurtful ways. Most came out of other’s inability to deal with my divorce because I was no longer doing what was expected of me as ‘good Christian’.  

Although I recognised that these expectations of me, just as mine were of my ex and our marriage, were not necessarily valid they weighed heavily especially when I made decisions and acted in my best interests. Somehow, I just couldn’t separate myself from that weight. It lay there, like a dead thing around my neck.  

Until recently when my coach suggested I try an exercise called Clarity through Comparison (thank you Jacqueline Nagle). On the left-hand side of a page I was to write (yes, write not type or use any electronic device) all the critical thoughts that bubbled around in my head. Then I was to cross out the critical thought and on the opposite page to write the positive affirmation that I wanted to replace them with. And then read those new messages aloud for 21 days. Three of my critical thoughts centred on the expectations of others. As I read and reread my affirmations – which basically said the expectations of others were their own – I discovered that I was separating myself from those expectations. I could stand back and see that the expectations of others belonged to them and it was not business to carry them or to bear their weight.

What I was doing was becoming a separate entity. I was standing back and looking at those expectations in a completely detached way. I was placing ownership exactly where it belonged to be – with others.

I try hard not to have expectations of others. I work at taking people just as they are. But expectations can creep in unaware. When I notice them, I can take ownership of them. If someone disappoints me because they failed to meet an unspoken expectation – that’s on me. It’s my responsibility to deal with how I feel about that situation and how I will respond.

It takes courage to confront the expectations of others, to act in a healthy way in the face of that weight.



And it also takes courage to confront our expectations of others, to own what we need to, and then let things go.